The Cullens VS The Zoo
by rebel1499
Summary: What happens when you mix the Cullens and the Zoo? Bella's already vamp. It's mostly about the trouble get into and the crazy dares they do there. Not just looking at animals. Give it a try it's really funny! you know you want to :D Some AxB stuff.
1. Hunting Bella

**Ok so this is like my 1st fanfic but its ok because I'm a naturally funny person so at least you'll laugh a lot. Enjoy :D.**

**Disclaimer: I dont own twilight altho I would loveee to own Edward... RAWR... or at least a piece of him :D**

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Chapter 1

Hunting Bella

**BPOV**

"Bella, come out come out where ever you are," I heard my psycho of a best friend/sister whisper like those creepy people off of those creepy movies. "Bella!! ugh for freaken goodness sakes come out I'm not gonna eat you!" she put her hands on her hips and stomped her foot. Was it my imagination or was she really angry?

"Says you!" I shout as I ran to a different hiding spot right when Alice pounced on the area i just left. There was no way in hell I was turning visible now. She was probably going to capture me and go shopping or worse... play Bella-Barbie -shudders-.

**APOV**

_Ugh Bella is so freaken annoying when she's freaken invisible. Why did she even have to get that power? Probably because she would always get embarrassed so easily. Stupid Bella embarrassingness. -_Has vision of Bella changing hiding spots and deciding to hide on Bella/Edward's bed-

"Bella don't you ever try to hide from a psychic vampire," I purr mischievously.

**BPOV**

_Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap that cannot be any good. I really need to find a new hiding spot NOW! - looks around- hmmm I'll just hide on top of me/Edward's bed._I sneek another peak at Alice. Luckily she was looking the other way so I took off and gracefuly jumped on me/Edwards bed. _It's a extremely good thing I'm a vampire or that little stunt would of caused me to trip, fall, and die, even though technically I'm already dead... but I'm pretty sure I could still find a way to trip and die._

"Bella tsk tsk, you are making this wayyyy harder than it needs to be. Especially when I was just going to tell you about the family outing we are all going on." she shakes her head as if ashamed of me.

"1st of all Alice there is no way in hell I'm going on another -air quotes- family outing. -air quotes- Do you even remember what happened at 6 Flags?!" I squealed "Plus I promised Emmett I would blow him up on Medal of Honor when the boys got back" I stated while becoming visible and instantly regretting it.

"GOTCHA!!" Alice squealed as she launched herself through the air and smashed into me. We rolled around on the bed a couple of times before she ended up pinning me on the bed below her. _Ok how the hell did the midget pixie pin me below her? she weighs like 80 pounds while I weigh like 125. This made no sense what so ever. Although nothing made very much sense anymore._

"Alice?" I questioned her while tilting my head so I looked like a confused puppy.

"What now Bella?" she rolled her perfect topaz eyes at me.

"Ummm I don't no how to put this but don't you think that we might give our husbands the wrong impression if they walk in and see me pinned on the bed below you and you on top straddling me?" I told her while rolling my perfect topaz eyes at her. _Sure Alice has been alive way longer than me but sometimes she was so clueless about how the world thought about certain things. I mean come on if I walked in on us now I would think we are making lesbian love or Alice is raping me or something like that. Ewww mental pictures eww eww eww._

**APOV**

-Has vision of boys walking in-

"Hmm Bella are you sure?"

"About what...?" she looked seriously confused now.

"That the boys will mind silly," I said while slapping her shoulder playfully.

"Umm Alice what are you trying to say?" ok now she looks really scared. _Hmm i wonder..._I started to grind against Bella and she instantly moaned. _This is going to be easier that I thought._

"Alice!!"

"What??" I put on an Innocent face.

"What on earth are you doing?" ok now she looked seriously confused. _Haha Bella looks stupidwhensshe's confused. Her facial expression looks kinda like Emmett when Rose tells him to balance their checkbook haha._

"I had a vision Bella, so just play along, and trust me you are going to like the results. Especially if this little movement," I ground against her again "Will make you make that sound."

**BPOV**

I couldn't help it so I moaned again. I haven't seen... or touched Edward in a week and I... and apparently my body missed him... ALOT. Alice just looked at me with a smug expression. _Grrr_ s_tupid Edward missingness. Luckily Carlise is at the hospital, and Rose and Esme are shopping for new love seat because Emmett and Jasper broke the last one in a wrestling match._

"Alice!!" I hissed "our husbands will be home any freaken minute and they will hear us." _Ok where did Alice's brain go because I haven't the slightest clue._

"Silly Bella. Trust me Edward misses you as much as... you apparently miss him. Sooo our husbands will be home in 52 seconds and when I say go, I'll do this," I couldn't help it so I moaned again "you do that and our "boy toys" will hear you, run in, and give us both a little "present"...rawr." _She did have a point, but I would never admit that to her. She would gloat for days. Well she is my best friend/sister so I guess it would be ok, still kind of creepy because she was a girl but ok._

"Fine Alice do whatever you want because we both know you would any way reguardless of what I thought," she scowled

"Aaaannndd go," this time she put some force behind it, which made me moan even louder than both times put together. Just as everything got quiet the boys busted through the door to find us in this stupid position. I took a glance at their faces and they were full of pure lust. Then I took a glance at his buldging pants and moaned his name louder.

**EPOV**

As me Jasper and Emmett were returning from our little "camping" expedition, I could hear Alice yelling at me through her thoughts. I sighed.

"Edward!! when you come home and come up to your room don't be mad at the "position" you find me and Bella in. It was my idea and her fault because she was hiding from me so I caught her and then had a vision that I know you will like so bring you and Jasper up to your room to get a welcome home present," I chuckled at this.

"What is it??" Questioned Jasper.

"It seems your wife has arranged a little "welcome home" surprise for us in me/Bella's room." I shook my head

"A surprise?" Jasper seemed cautious yet excited.

"Yep." Then all of a sudden Jasper's emotions hit me like a tidal wave. A huge lust and excitement filled tidal wave from the passenger seat of my Volvo. _It is such a good thing Emmett took the Jeep so he could help Esme and Rose with the new love seat. Mmmm love seat. I really want to make love to Bella in a seat, or the couch, or on my piano, or..._"Jasper stop with the freaken emotions!!"

"Sorry," he said apologetically.

As soon as I pulled the car in the driveway Jasper and I heard Bella moan my name. I instantly got hard. _She is definitely the most dangerous creature I know. I wonder what they are doing in there. Well whatever it is I should be the one making Bella moan, and definitely not ALICE!_Jasper and I instantly jumped out of the car and ran upstairs. I practically ripped the door off it's hinges to see what the crap was going on. What I saw definitely surprised me to say the least. I saw Bella laying on the bed with Alice on top straddling her, and to top it off grinding against her with Bella moaning my name... WOW.

**JPOV**

_WOW my wife is soooo freaken HAWT. Even on top of Bella mmm RAWR! I mean oops sorry Edward, but you know i do have a point._

**EPOV**

I nodded towards Jasper to show he was forgiven... and did have a point. Bella did look pretty hot under Alice moaning my name, but she looks wayyy hotter under me moaning my name.

"Umm Alice I think I got it from here."

"Sure no problem. Besides I have other... Business... to tend to..." she gracefully "dismounted Bella and ran to Jasper. He picked her up and run to their room. _Like I don't know what their about to do. _-shudders- _Oh well because I have have... business... as Alice would put it, of my own._

"Uhhh Edward??" I chuckled

"No need to explain love. Alice did on our way over here." she looked relieved. _That's my Bella for you. _I walked over to her and sat on the bed, and heard Jasper giggle from their room.

"Did Jasper just... giggle?" Bella asked while trying to contain the giggles of her own. _ok enough waiting I wanna make Bella... giggle._ She pushed me down on the bed apparently thinking the same thing. She literally ripped all her clothes off and my shirt off then instantly attacking me with kisses and playful nips.

"I missed you Edward. Did you have fun hunting?" she questioned in between trailing kisses down my jawline, then down my neck to the top of my pants, and instantly ripping them off. _Ok wow Bella was really in the mood. I think I will have to thank Alice later for her little stunt she pulled off._

"Yes love I did, but not as nearly as much fun as we are about to have." I said huskily while kicking my boxers off. _Mental note to self, find and pick up all the pieces of clothing scatterd across our room. _I flipped her over so I was above her. _Just how I like it. _Bella purred. I made love to her

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**BPOV**

"Mmmm Edward you are so good to me," I whisper while turning around to face him.

"Not as nearly as good as you are to me," he contradicted "Lets pick up our...mess and get dress before I lose control and keep you in here forever." I purred. As Edward picked up the room I got dressed and went downstairs. All the family was sitting in the living room waiting for Alice's "announcement". As soon as Edward was in the living room Alice squealed out

"WE ARE GOING TO THE ZOO!!"

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**So What did you guys think? Please review! I gladly take questions advice and praise and even negativity :D..**


	2. Mixed Opinions And Bella's 'Episode'

**WOOHOO I wrote another ch yay me! enjoy :D  
And sorry i keep spelling Carlisle's name wrong. i just dont feel like fixing it lol**

**Disclaimer: I still don't own Twilight but this time I think I want a piece of Emmett...RAWR lol :D**

**and just so yall know this ch is written like as they talk not like the other ch sry :( but its wayyy funnyer :)**

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Mixed Emotions…And Bella's "Episode"

**Esme: **That's a wonderful idea honey. Now you kids can have some much needed bonding time while me and your father have some... bonding time of our own in the IMAX theater.

- Kids make gagging noises while Edward falls on the floor screaming "AHHHH mental pictures! make them stop make them stop!!"-

**Rose: **Okkaayyy? Anyway sure whatever I'll go and grace all of you with my presence. -she smirks- Just make sure Jasper doesn't try to eat any of the animals... or people while we are there.

**Jasper:** -Looks offended- Your a meanie! -pouts like a 2 year old-

**Rose:** -mumbles- Like that wasn't weird. Anyways Jasper you know your self control isn't that great. Even Bella who has only been a vampire for 7 years hasn't even tried to eat a human... or attack one, which is definitely the opposite in your case.

**Carlise: **Rose be nice. Plus you know the only reason Bella doesn't want to eat a human is that fact she is repulsed by their blood. Which in my theory is because when she was a human she fainted and became nauseous at the sight/smell of blood.

**Jasper: **-Mumbles- Lucky

**Carlise: **Besides Jasper look on the bright side, you haven't tried to eat a human since you tried to eat Bella at her birthday party all those years ago.

**Jasper: **-Looks ashamed and slightly embarrassed- Thanks for reminding me.

**Carlise:** Sorry, and yes Alice I think that going to the zoo is a lovely idea.

- Everyone hears a loud crash and the look around to find Emmett sitting in the remains of their new love seat.-

**Everyone but Emmett and Bella: **Emmett!!

**Alice: **WOW Emmett you bounce more than me when you are excited. Congratulations. - mumbles spaz- I guess we will take your uncontrollable excitement as a yes.

**Rose: **-Pops Emmett in the back of the head- Nice job you broke our love seat... again. Ugh it took Esme and I forever to find that too. We went to 6 different stores. 6!!

**Emmett: **Well I guess now we are going to have to love in your seat... haha I made a funny.

**Rose:** -Pops Emmett again then mumbles through the side of her mouth- not here honey. That's for later so shut up.

-Emmett does the supposedly seductive wiggly eyebrow thing towards Rose, while Jasper gags.-

**Edward: **Alice why on earth would we want to go watch animals walk around, eat, poop, and sleep in little cages, when we can go look at them in the wilderness then eat them after we are done looking?

**Alice: **Because it's going to be fun and you know it, so stop being such a party pooper. What do you think Bella? Bella? Bella? Where the hell is Bella?

-Everyone looks around for Bella. They find her sitting under Edward's piano hugging her knees, rocking back and forth, twitching and mumbling something-

**Edward: **Bella? love are you ok?

**Bella: **-Whispers just loud enough for everyone to hear- Shamoo-twitches- scary monster. Whale is gonna eat Bella. Bella can't let whale eat Bella. Bella eat whale 1st. Yes mwahahaha whale taste good. whale tastes like Edward's Princess Sophia **(If you seen how to lose a guy in ten days... ya lol if you haven't don't worry check out my profile and it will tell you) **-Edward looks embarrassed while everyone else gags and Bella twitches- Whale. Bella. Cotton candy. Eat. 8 Years old. Bella eat Shamoo. Whale scares Bella. Bella scared. -twitches again-

**Rose: **-Rolls eyes- Dear God Bella your a freak

**Edward: **-Glares at Rose-

**Rose: **But in a good way -scowls at Edward-

**Esme: **Bella sweetie, What's wrong? You know you can tell us anything.

**Bella:** Whale. Cotton candy. Eat. Sad Bella. -Twitches again-

**Alice: **-Has vision of Bella and laughs- Silly Bella, Shamoo -Bella twitches- is at Sea World not the zoo, and besides you can't even eat cotton candy now so you will be fine, I promise. Even if you still want to get cotton candy you can but you have to be the one to carry it around all day not me.

**Emmett: **Dude like what the hell?

**Alice: **-Sigh- Ok here's what happened. When Bella was 8 she went to Sea World with her mom to see Shamoo. -Bella twitches and whimpers-

**Edward: **-Sighs then kneels- It's ok love. Come here. -Bella crawls out from under the table and into Edwards arms.- See love? Much better now, right? -Bella nods like a fat kid who was just asked if they want some cake. Then Alice stomps her foot.- Sorry please continue.

**Alice: **Anyways like I was saying Bella and her mom went to see 'air quotes' He-who-must-not-be-named 'air quotes' and Bella got picked out of the audience to pet 'air quotes' you know who 'air quotes' and he ate Bella's cotton candy.

**Bella: **Like the horrible bloodthirsty savage he is -shudders-

-Everyone busts out laughing while Alice giggles and Edward tries to keep a straight face the best he can-

**Edward:**It's ok love, if i have to eat "him" to protect you know I will.

**Bella: **NOOOOOOOO!!

**Carlise: **Huh? Bella you just said you didn't like -whispers- 'air quotes' you know who 'air quotes'

**Bella:**Yes I know but if anybody is going to eat that cruel, horrifying, savage, scary, untamed, horrible, wild, molesting, black and white son of a bitch its a gonna be me -Does the black girl head bobbing thing while snapping her fingers in the shape of a z **(A/N no offense i swear)**-

**Emmett: **-Does same thing- OH NO SHE DIDN'T

**Rose: **-Pops Emmett- Stop it 'air quotes' sister spice 'air quotes'

**Esme: **-Looks confused- What didn't Bella do?

**Emmett: **I don't know i just felt like doing that -shrugs-

**Jasper: **Well don't it's weird

**Emmett: **Whatever

**Alice:** Well then I guess it's settled we are going to the zoo

**Edward: **When?

**Alice: **Tomorrow yay!!

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**Ok so how was this ch? be honest and review!! I accept criticism, praise, negativity, and suggestions or whatever else you feel like saying :D**


	3. The Ticket Gate

**Sorry this took so long to post but i had a wild party to attend on the 4th of july and when i got back i felt like sleeping not writing so here you go.  
Bella is kinda crazy in this CH but that just makes it funny. But i can make her not crazy but where would the fun be so i guess this is a WARNING: for Bella crazyness :)**

**Thx for all the wonderful reviews so far. I really Appreciate it so thank you times a billion, and if you want to be thanked times a billion REVIEW!! Come on you no you want to :D**

**Disclaimer: Still own nothing but this time I'm sticking with Edward :D**

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Chapter 3

The Ticket Gate

**BPOV**

So as soon as I could see the sun... well at least some of it, Alice made us get in our cars and head towards the zoo. Luckily I got to ride with Edward... but I always do so I guess it's no big deal. We took Edward's Volvo while Rose and Emmett took his Jeep Alice and Jasper took her Porshe and Carlisle and Esme took his Mercedes. We arrived fairly quickly either due to my zoning out or Edward's Evil Knievel style driving... It was probably Edward's driving. That's ok though because ever since I have become a vampire I have been as obsessed with speed as the rest of the family, and thinking about it Edward was driving kind of slow compared to usual.

As the entrance of the zoo became visible I groaned because the line was so long.

"What is it love?" Edward questioned sounding worried. _Awwww always so sweet and nice and caring... even when i had my little psychotic "episode" _-Riminices in Edward's sweetness.-

"Hello? Earth to Bella can you hear me? Over." Edward joked while pretending to use his gorgeous God-like hand as a walkie-talkie.

"Oh, sorry Edward I kind of zoned out a bit there." Edward nods "I was just not likeing the fact the ticket lines are so freaken long." _Haha so freaken long. I wonder what else is so freaken long? Haha I don't have to wonder because I already know... Haha my brain is dirty I better give it a bath. _-Imagines giving brain a bath and the brain wearing a shower cap- _Hmm I wonder what kind of soap I would use... Hopefully Edward flavored/scented soap... MMMM I wouldnt waste that wonderfully delicious soap on my brain when I could wash the rest of me with it... or Edward could wash the rest of me with it. I wonder when the last time me and Edward have taken a shower... hmm I don't remember but when we get back home we are going to have to fix that. Ok Bella snap out of it. _-Shakes head like trying to clear it- As soon as I was reaquainted with reality I noticed Edward just parked the car and he was already at my door helping me out.

**EPOV**

_Wow Bella is really out of it today. Oh well Bella will be Bella. _I just parked the car and was helping Bella get out when she decided to trip on nothing and almost smash her face into the ground but luckily I was there to catch her. _I'm glad I can still protect Bella like this even though she's one of us now._

"Great even as a vampire I'm still clumsy." Bella mumbled.

"It's ok love, I will always love you even if you were so clumsy I had to carry you everywhere to keep you from falling."

"Your so sweet Edward," If Bella was human she would be blushing, "I love you."

"I love you to Bella and for the rest of eternity. Now come on lets go meet the others." We continued to walk to the edge of the parking lot to meet the rest of our family who were waiting on us. As we joined the others I looked up to see where we have parked so I we could find our cars later. _Lot vampire bats row 8. Hmm how ironic._We continued towards the ticket booth.

**APOV**

-Has hilarious vision of Bella when we get in the ticket line- _HAHAHAHA I'm so glad Edward decided not to eat Bella she is way to much fun to hang out with. _-Edward growls- _Oopsies better block my mind form Mr. eavesdropper. Hmm what to sing what to sing... oh I got it. I kissed a girl and I liked it. The taste of her cherry chap-stick. I kissed a girl just to try it, I hope my boyfriend don't mind it. It felt so wrong it felt so right don't mean I'm in love tonight..._- Edward growls- Edward seriously hates this _song_lol. It serves him eight for trying to eavesdrop. As we approached the lines I randomly yelled out while pointing to a line,

"We have to go to that line!"

"How come?" Emmett asked while tilting his head

"Umm because the ticket person in that line will be most likely to let us go in for free." _Mwhahahaha free my ass._

"Ok sweetie." said Esme all motherly like. As we near the front of the line Bella spots something then stiffens. _Oh boy hear it comes. I could giggle right now from all the excitement but then everyone will get suspicious and especialy Edward. _Bella made a random hissing noise and leapt onto a random guy that looked about 100. _Haha Bella is straddling that old man. Haha he's so old... and cold... and so very full of mold... eww. _As Bella straddled the old man she began to growl and hiss and rip the guys shirt off. _Oh this is just too good. Ok why is Bella eating that guys shirt? I did not see this in my vision. _

"VICTORY IS MINE!! I have slayed **(Pronounced slay-ed) **this foul beast!! -she holds up the shirt like a trophy then starts swinging it around then tries to eat it- Dang you dang you all to heck!! -continues to chew on the tattered remains of the old guys shirt- "Mwahahaha the spawn of the devil does have a similar taste to Edward's Princess Sophia. Mwahahaha." _Whoa I definitely didn't see that one coming. Hahaha Edward's Princess just got mentioned in public. Wow if he could blush he would be redder than Bella's reddest... Which is definitely a new world record._

**JPOV**

-Bella spots old guy-

"Oh my balls someone grab Bella!" I shouted

"Why would I want to do that? she's all icky and stuff." said Rose -Edward growls- "Whatever." -Rose does gay guy hand thing then walks off somewhere to find a mirror- W_hy does Bella feel... HUNGRY?!_

"OMB **(Oh my balls) **Bella is going to eat that old man!" I shout while pointing at the old man in a... Shamoo shirt. _Aww shit Bella said next time she saw Shamoo she was going to eat him. At least I brought the video camera. _-Starts recording Bella being pscyco- _I am sooo putting this on youtube and keeping it in our family keep forever videos._

**EMPOV**

_What?! Bella is going to eat a old guy? Right on man. Ouch _-Winces- _That has got to hurt_

**RPOV**

-Spots Bella jumping on old guy- _She is so weird sometimes _-Rolls eyes- _Whatever -_Walks away to find another mirror.

**EPOV**

-Hears Alice's thoughts- "_Oh boy here it comes." I wander whats coming -S_ees the Shamoo shirt and Bella attacking old man- _Lovely. Well I better go get her. _I walk up to Bella and pull her off the old man and tried to rip the shirt out of her grasp.

"NNNNOOOOOOOOO!!" Bella squealed.

"Come on love put the nice old man's shirt down." I said softly while still trying to get the shirt out of her hands.

"No Eddyyyyward. I can't just let the spawn of the devil roam free throughout the earth. What if he decides to prey on more innocent children?" she pouted.

"Bella I don't think he can do anything now that he's in a billion little pieces." As I said this her face lit up.

"Come on love birds we just got our tickets so lets go see some animals!!" Emmett squealed like a little school girl.

"Ok. Come on Bella." I said while taking her hand and leading her into the zoo.

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**Woohoo! So wat did yall think Plz review :D Just click the button right there.  
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	4. A BAD Idea

**Yay I posted another chapter! Again WARNING: Bella and Alice crazyness... if that's what it's called... trust me it's going to be insane :D  
Thx times a billion for all the reviews they make me happy :D**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anythang at all... alto in this ch I think i want a piece of Alice and Bella... RAWR**

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Chapter 4

A BAD Idea

**JPOV**

We continue to walk into the zoo and stop to look at a map towards the side of the path in a semi-secluded area. Esme and Carlisle had already went to the IMAX theater to "watch" movies. _See Jasper this isn't so bad. You are not hungry, you are not hungry. Wow I'm really not hungry. _As I was thinking this Emmett walked up to me and started to whisper something in my ear loud enough for only us to hear.

"Hey Jasper I got a dare for you." He had a devilish grin on his face.

"What's that?" I replied.

"I dare you to send a HUGE amount of lust waves towards Bella and Alice so they will make out and then -wiggles his eyebrows- " I look at him funny.

"You know that's my wife you want Bella to make out with right?" He smiles

"Ya I know and you know how hot it is for girls to make out. Remember the video we were watching on youtube the other day?" _Oh boy I definitely remember that video. How could I forget? Maybe he's right. Alice is extremely hot and Bella is pretty good looking for a sister... Hmm _"So Jasper what do you say?" Just as Emmett said that I saw Alice's face glaze over_. OMB! She's having a vision. I have better do this fast_. As soon as her face returned to normal she turned around to glare at me. Right as she turned around I sent the biggest lust wave I could manage toward Alice and Bella, who were luckily right next to each other. Emmett saw their faces and yelled out

"Alright!" and pats me on the back as I continue to concentrate on Alice and Bella.

"Whats alright?" asked Edward as he turned to look at me. Emmett just pointed toward Alice and Bella who were just staring at each other. Edward came to stand by us and continued to look at Bella and Alice who looked like they were about to pounce on each other while Rose looked at them weird then came to stand by us also.

Alice took a giant leap and landed on Bella pinning her on the ground, while Bella grabbed Alice's face and crashed their lips together. They started to roll around on the ground making out while we just stared. Bella made a loud purring noise while Alice made a throaty growl. After rolling around on the ground for a while Bella grabbed Alice's shirt and ripped it off while Alice did the same to Bella. _OK so now my wife and sister are sitting on the ground making out shirtless. Ya this is so hot. _Me Edward and Rose just continued to stare with our mouths open. Before we knew it Bella and Alice were on top of each other in only their underwear. They also have started to attract a crowd of guys. They just continued their extremely passionate make out without the slightest hint of stopping.

"Jasper stop making them do that!" Edward yelled at me and I stopped concentrating on them.

"They won't stop. I have already stopped the lust feelings but they just keep continuing." Edward just looked a me with his mouth hanging open as did Emmett and Rose.

"What a lovely way to start another family outing." Rose stated while her mouth just continued to hang open.

**APOV**

-Right when I had my vision and Jasper started screwing with our emotions.-

I was hit with this huge wave of want, _but who do I want? I have never felt like this before._ I turned around and saw Bella. _How come I've never noticed how enticing she looked? I WANT her and ONLY her for the rest of eternity!!_ I pounced on her and she grabbed my face and crashed our lips together. _OH MY GOD! Bella tastes so good. I never want a man again. Why would I when I could have Bella? _She ripped my shirt off so I ripped hers off. Our lips continued to move in the most passionate of ways. _Luckily in my bag I brought extra outfits just in case. I just never thought we would need an extra outfits because of this, but I don't care It's so worth it. _Pretty soon we were sitting there in nothing but our underwear with Bella sitting in my lap straddling me with our chest and every part possible pressed against each other so hard that that if Bella was human almost every part of her would be broken. We both moaned into each others mouths from all the pressure. I slipped my hands into the back of her underwear to hold her firm butt and give it a squeeze. She moaned into my mouth and I smiled as we continued our passionate make out session.

All of a sudden my lust calmed down a bit but not enough to make stop. _I don't think I ever want to stop. _I heard Edward yelling at Jasper about something but I could't figure out what because I was way to involved in what I was doing. _OMG Edward and Jasper! Well they can forgive us later. _By now a large crowd of guys were surrounding us, but we just couldn't stop. We were feeling way to aroused to stop. We just started to have lesbian sex when we heard people shouting, but we still didn't stop, or slow down in that case. Pretty soon we both came several times but we still didn't stop. I felt someone pulling me and my newly found lover apart and I squealed in protest. I saw Bella trying to get out of Edward's arms, while I continued to try to get out of Jasper's.

"Jasper what the Hell did you do to them?" Edward shouted through clenched teeth. He was having a really hard time trying to get Bella to be still.

"I only made them start then I stopped when you told me! Now what they are doing they are doing on their own" Jasper shouted back as he tried to keep me under control.

"Well apparently they have something wrong with their brains." Rose stated like it was obvious and Edward hissed.

"Help me get them into that bathroom over there" Edward pointed to it then started to drag us into it.

"Here this should help." Rose sighed while everything went black.

"What did you do to them?" Jasper squealed like a little girl while Emmett slapped him and told him to snap out of it.

"It's called a tazer Jasper." Rose smirked

"How did it work we are ampiresva." Emmett said the last part in pig-Latin.

"It shocks our systems no matter what we are, and judging by the look on their faces they'll be out for a while. Rose what setting did you have the tazer on anyway?" Edward asked while glaring at Rose.

"I think maximum elephant setting." Rose said with a devilish grin. Edward smacked his forehead with palm.

"Great, great, great, great, great, great, great." Edward sighed while he shut and locked the bathroom door, of course with no one else in the bathroom. "Well lets get them dressed, but with what I don't know."

"Look in Alice's bag. I saw her pack extra clothes today. She said it was because you never know when you are going to need to change." Jasper shrugged and handed Edward the bag of clothes. He dug through it till he had jeans and a T-shirt for Bella then took her in one of the stalls to get her dressed. Jasper did the same with me.

**EPOV**

After I finished dressing my angel I layed her down on the couch and waited for her to wake up. Jasper put Alice on the other couch and sat down next to her waiting for them to wake up.

"It's times like these when we need Alice to not be knocked out -glares at Rose- and for her to tell us when they are going to wake up." Jasper growled at Rose.

"Calm down Jasper they will be awake in I don't know I'm guessing 10 seconds." Rose stated like it was obvious. Just like Rose said they started to regain semi-conciousness.

"Rose I didn't know you were psychic." Emmett said while jumping up and down like a little girl.

"Emmett I'm not." Rose rolled her eyes

"Wait then how..."

"The tazer has a timer of when the animal should be waking up"

"Bella is not an animal!" I hissed.

"Uh huh sure try telling that to the little audience Bella and Alice had. I'm pretty sure they will back me up on this one." Rose smirked, while I growled.

"OH MY FREAKEN CRAP!" I heard Bella and Alice yell simultaneously. I tried to calm my Bella down. "Edward what happened and why do I have the random urge to make out with Alice?" I glared at Jasper and he shrugged.

"OMG! Jasper get off me I NEED Bella!!" I heard Alice squeal and Bella smiled when she heard this._ This is really not good. Now my wife is a lesbian. I'm going to KILL Jasper! _

"Jasper make them stop!" I yelled

"I don't know how!" I heard him wimper. _GREAT what now?_

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**So what did you guys think? please review and tell me if you want Bella and Alice to keep trying to makeout with each other or it just wears off or they have to get Carlisle to figure out a cure. Plz review and tell me your thoughts. **

**And no im NOT a lesbian. A friend just told me this would be funny and I think it is so REVIEW and tell me if you thought it was :D**


	5. What the HELL?

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Yay another ch!! So like enjoy and thx times a gizzlion for the reviews!! :D I have had like almost 1000 hits but not that many reviews :(

**WARNING: If lesbian stories offend you, you might want to stop reading. Im not a lesbian but I like the whole Alice/Bella pairing its fascinating.**

**Disclaimer: Still own nothing :(**

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Chapter 5

What the HELL??

**EPOV**

"You know what Jasper... this is great just great!" He could feel the sarcasm rolling off me in huge waves, but I really didn't care because right now because my wife is a freaken lesbian and it's all Jasper's fault. Just lovely. _Why won't Bella lay down and be still? I wonder whats going on in Alice's thoughts? **OMFG Bella is so freaken hawt! Why have I noticed this before... that's because I've never made out with her duh. Oh my god I totally relate with the I kissed a girl song yay! Ugh why won't Jasper get off of me? Why can't Bella be on me, oh wait she can't because Edward won't let go off her. Edward let go of Bella. **_I shook my head as in no. **_Ugh Edward I promise we won't make out just get off us. _**

"Jasper it's ok we can let go now." He didn't look so sure. I smiled reassuringly and he let go of Alice as I let go of Bella. Alice took off running and jumped into Bella's lap and they both purred. Rose made a gagging noise while I glared at her.

"Ok what are we going to do about that?" Emmett pointed at the currently making out Alice and Bella.

"Alice!!" I hissed and they stopped.

"Later love." I heard Alice whisper seductively into Bella's ear and she purred. _Why does Bella keep purring and why has she never purred for me? This has got to stop._

"Well did anyone else find that oddly disturbing?" Everyone besides Alice and Bella nodded because they were to busy licking each others faces and necks. "Ok that was worse." We nodded again. "So what are we going to do about our little "love birds" over there." I shrugged. "Wow Edward Cullen doesn't know what to do with his psycho lesbian wife." I growled while she rolled his eyes "and Jasper Hale now has a psycho, psychic, lesbian wife. These family outings of Alice's just keep getting better and better." She grinned stupidly.

"I have an idea!" Emmett yelled while jumping up and excitedly.

"What is it honey?" Rose asked while stroking his face. Their thoughts made me want to gag.

"Lets go look at animals!" He stated super excitedly.

"What about the lesbians?" asked Rose while me and Jasper hissed at her.

"We just have to keep a close watch over them, and I really want to see the animals." Emmett pouted.

"Fine." I gave in. _Besides what could it hurt? _Emmett bounced happily. I turned around to get Alice and Bella but couldn't find them anywhere. Emmett stood there pointing to on of the stalls looking scared. we all walked slowly towards it to find Bella holding Alice against the side of the stall, with Alice's legs wrapped around Bella's waist. Of course they were making out so I walked over there and pulled them apart. They pouted and intertwined hands then walked to the door of the bathroom.

**BPOV**

-While Bella/Alice are on the couch about to go to the bathroom stall-

Alice still sat in my lap trying to give me a hickey while I tried to listen to what everyone was saying, which was really hard considering the gorgeous chick sitting in my lap sucking on my neck. That's when I had the brilliant idea of going to the bathroom stall. Apparently Alice saw it in a vision because she stopped her sucking and nipping then nodded. We quickly and very silently ran to the stall. I lifted up Alice so she was at eye level and she wrapped her petite legs around my waist. I started to kiss her like it was the last thing I was allowed to do before I died. _Oh my God why did it take me so long to find my feelings for Alice? She even smells better than Edward. She smells like no perfume could even compare to. It's not floral or like citrus or musky, it's just like heaven. When have I even started to feel this way about her? Probably when she saw me and Edward's Vegas wedding and asked me if I loved her. It made me start thinking how I loved her because I know I did. My love just changed a little. _All of a sudden Edward was pulling us apart way to soon I pouted at Edward's not niceness. I grabed her hand and entertwined it with mine.

"Ok Edward what are we going to see first." I asked while sighing

"The GRIZZLY BEARS!!" squealed Emmett. I rolled my eyes while Alice tried to open the door.

"OMG OMG OMG why won't the door open?" Alice squealed in distress. I did not like seeing Alice freak out so I did the first thing I thought of... which just happened to be punching a hole through the door knob area and then opening it.

"Oh my God Bella way to be subtle. How are we going to explain this?" Rose gasped.

"I don't really care." I said while stroking Alice's angelic face "I saw Alice upset and wanted to fix it." Alice was grinning like crazy. Apparently she already saw this in a vision.

"You know Bella it was just locked you could of just unlocked it." Jasper pointed out. I shrugged and Alice pulled our hands to her face and kissed the back of my hand. Jasper wimpered while Rose gagged and ran human pace from the bathroom and pretended to barf in the nearest trash can. A random guy stopped to rub her back and ask if she was ok. Thats when Emmett ran human pace over to her and glared at the guy and pretended to be really concerned for Rose because he already knew she wasn't really sick. When they walked back over to us we started to head towards the bears like Emmett wanted.

**JPOV**

_How could my lover, and the other half of my soul just turn lesbian? I knew she loved Bella even before this, I could always feel the love coming off them when they were together. What if this isn't reversible? Ugh It's so gross the way they hang all over each other. I mean look at all the guys staring at them... well if it wasnt my sister and wife I would probaly stare at them to. _Pretty soon we reached the bears and Emmett pressed his face against the glass like all the little kids beside him. His hole body was oozing excitement so I became just as excited. Pretty soon i had my face against the glass looking at the bears. Then I was hit with the biggest wave of love/lust I have ever felt. I turned around to see Alice pinning Bella on the ground and they were making out... again. I just couldn't take it anymore so I walked up to them pulled them apart and started to make out with Alice until she pushed me away.

"Uh Jasper no offense but I was busy." She looked at me weird and I sighed. She walked up to me and put her hand on my face and whispered sweetly "I'm sorry Jasper but I want Bella." I gasped shocked

"What the HELL Alice!! You don't love Bella and you know it!" Bella and Alice gasped "Alice you love me" I ended in no more than a whisper. She looked at me sadly. and walked over to Bella and grabbed her hand.

"Jasper I'm sorry." I was crushed so I just sat down and stared at my shoe while Edward asked Bella the same thing but in a different way.

"Bella? Love? Do you not love me anymore?" He sounded more hurt than me.

"Of course I still love you Edward! What are you crazy!" she paused while Alice gasped then added "Just not in that way. I'm so sorry Edward" she looked torn like Alice did.

"Ok that is IT!!" Screamed Rose. "All of you come with me" she started to walk away. We had no choice but to follow.

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**Yay! so what did you guys think? Where is Rose takeing them?? I would really love you guys to review because I don't think i'll be able to write the next Ch if I dont have at least 30 reviews :( and I really want to finish this story which is going to be like atleast 10 Chapters.**

**Click the button all you people who never review and say something like awesome or eww just 1 word would be great :D**

**,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.I I  
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	6. Mustache Mustache

**Ok so here goes another chapter and thank you for the reviews they made my day. and im sorry to say i think this ch and a couple more and the story will be finished :(**

**WARNING: Bella/Alice stuff but not as much**

**Disclaimer: Not a thang.**

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Chapter 6

Mustache Mustache... Ohhhh Mustache  
**(You have to say it in a deep seductive voice. Lol)**

**RPOV**

I continued to walk in the general direction of the IMAX theater. Yup that's right I was taking this insaneness straight to Carlisle so he could fix the 2 wack jobs. I heard Edward hiss at what I called them but I really didn't care. I was a girl on a mission, a mission to turn my lesbian sisters well non lesbian. As I continued at a quick walk we started to pass the monkeys, and thats when Jasper snapped.

**JPOV**

As we passed by the monkeys, that's when I saw the new love of my life. The beautiful majestic Emperor Tamarin, or the Mustache Monkey. It just had the longest silkiest looking mustache I have ever seen. It was amazing. I couldn't even remember the girl I was so upset about a few seconds ago. All I cared about was petting that luscious mustache. I quickly changed direction and headed towards that beautiful creature whos mustache seemed to be calling my name.

"Jasper!" I heard Edward yelling my name, but I was way to busy sticking my hand through the bars of the cage trying to reach that gorgeous mustache. I felt Emmett trying to restrain me from the only thing that now matters to me in my life.

"Emmett let go!" I yelled

"No Jasper I can't let you eat the poor defenseless monkey!" I started to laugh.

"You think I'm trying to eat it?" I asked shocked. Rose and Edward and the two lesbians walked up to see what was going on.

"Uh ya Jasper. Why?" said Rose confused.

"I'm trying to pet it's mustache" everyone looked shocked "It's just so soft and silky looking. I wonder if he conditions?" Emmett started laughing so hard he let go of me and started to roll around on the ground. That's when I jumped but up and tried to reach the most heavenly mustache I have ever seen again.

"Oh my God Jasper." Rose rolled her eyes. "Emmett grab him and follow me." Emmett did as he was told and I tried to get free somehow but he had an iron grip on me. We continued to walk through the zoo when I started to notice the signs everywhere. _OMB SHE'S TAKING US TO CARLISLE!!_

**RPOV**

_My hole family has gone nuts. I am the only sane one left? Well I guess Edward and Emmett are still kind of normal... Kind of. _I continued to march towards the man the could hopefully fix this whole mess. I saw the front of the IMAX theater and marched in not even bothering with the people in line or the people checking tickets.

"Carlisle!! I yelled almost too loud to be considered human. I saw him and Esme walking out of the closet. _Ok eww. _

"What is it Rose?" he said while taking in the scene around him. Edward looked like he was about to cry while Emmett looked like he was about to bust out laughing. I looked furious while Jasper sat of the ground holding his knees while repeatedly saying 'mustache' while a half naked Alice was straddling a half naked Bella who was laying on the ground and but of course they were making out and by the looks of it they were about to have lesbian sex again.

"Fix them!" I shrieked. He stood there looking dumbfounded with his mouth hanging open. He took a deep breath to collect himself and said,

"Ok the first thing we need to do is pull those two," he pointed at my sisters "apart and put clothes back on them and get rid of their audience." Edward grabbed Bella while I grabbed Alice. Both of them started dry sobbing while squealing "NOOO!! I want her I want her. Esme looked like she was about to explode with rage. She marched up to Alice and Bella pointed to each of them and shrieked louder than I did,

"I will not have you two making out any more! Do you understand?!" They looked shocked but quickly nodded their consent. "As for you Emmett you better stop laughing or your going to be grounded from everything including sex!" I glared at Emmett waring him that if he did that I would not be happpy at all. "And as for you Edward," she pointed at him "stop wimpering and be a MAN!" He shut up "And last of all Jasper SHUT THE HELL UP!! It's not my fault your not man enough to grow a mustache yourself." We all stared at her in shock. _WOW. _I think that Esme scared the living daylights out of all of us because we stood as still as stones. Carlisle walked up to stand beside her.

"Come on guys lets go home." Carlisle suggested. We all started to head towards our cars wondering what would happen when we got home.

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**Sorry this chapters a little short but in my defense i got stung by a scorpion last night so now I feel sick :( Ill be fine though. :) **

**So what did you guys think of Esme? I know she was a little out of character but think about waht you would do if you saw all that.**

**Plz review :D**


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